When dating starts to wear you down
If you’ve ever closed a dating app feeling more tired than when you opened it, you’re not imagining it, and you’re not alone.
In a recent Q&A from the University of Minnesota Duluth, psychologist Dr. Ashley Thompson, who directs the university’s Sexuality and Relationship Science Lab, describes what she calls “dating burnout”: the frustration, cynicism and “self-presentation fatigue” that can build up from app-based dating. Her research interviewing people about their dating lives suggests many are now “looking backward to move forward,” going back to meeting people in person, in the everyday places they already spend time.
She also points to a study published in the journal Personal Relationships on how our beliefs about love shape what happens when things end. People who hold “soulmate” beliefs, seeing a relationship as either right or wrong, tend to move on more easily after a breakup. People with “growth” beliefs, who see love as something built through effort, are more likely to return to an ex or stay attached. Thompson is clear that neither mindset is right or wrong.
Burnout isn’t only for singles, either. Drawing on psychologist Eli Finkel’s book The All-or-Nothing Marriage, she notes that we now expect partners to be “everything” to each other. Her own recent research, published in Behavioral Sciences, finds that relationship burnout is more likely when what a relationship demands outpaces the resources we have to cope. And burnout isn’t the same as falling out of love.
What I take from this
“Self-presentation fatigue” says a lot. So much of modern dating asks us to perform: the right photos, the right bio, the right version of ourselves. Performing is exhausting because it pulls us away from who we actually are.
At Dating Human, I see dating as a practice, not a performance. The goal isn’t to be chosen. It’s to stay connected to yourself while you search. When you show up as yourself, there’s less to keep up, and a “no” stops being a verdict on your worth. It becomes information about alignment.
I also appreciate Thompson’s point that neither belief about love is wrong. In my experience, each has a gift and a blind spot. A growth mindset helps us invest, but it can keep us holding on to someone who isn’t a fit. A soulmate mindset helps us let go, but it can make us walk away from something that just needed care. Knowing which way you lean is part of the work.
Her advice, originally given for Valentine’s Day, works all year: focus less on finding or proving love, and more on everyday, low-stakes connection. Be present. Say hello to the person next to you in line. That’s practice too.
With warmth,
Eileen
Read the full article: Expert Alert: Relationships, Valentine’s Day, and the state of love in 2026 (University of Minnesota Duluth)